- category: observations -
"...Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for..."
- Under Pressure by Queen & David Bowie
Um boom ba bay..
Um boom ba bay...alright, I should stop. The fact is, I'm very much in the panic state right now. Not on the outside, but inside, it's just very hard to concentrate on one thing at a time. I 'don't feel my aura', as Johnny Weir put it. On a side note, I really don't give a damn about people trashing him about his uncomfortable feeling before he did his free skate program at the Olympics. I totally understand that, and I think many more people actually experience that in daily basis. They just don't want to admit it.
So, back to my inner panic state. I will be performing a 12-minute Javanese dance, which I still feel tired and uncertain every time I practised it, this weekend; I need to figure out (fast!) how to assemble the intricate, complicated dance costume; I need to find an apartment soon in Chicago for three months; I need to sell my things here; I need to help my boyfriend sell his things; I need to pack; I need to complete my registrations and all of that paperworks; I need to resign from my job; I need to sell my clothes; I need to reconstruct my blog; I have 5 blog posts pending right now; I really need something to eat right now....I'm so hungry.
In about a month - March 21 - I will be starting my MBA study in Chicago. I tried to prepare my best, but time and Goddess of Efficiency (if there's such thing) are just not on my side right now. As a result......my inner state of panic.
So...yeah..
Bye.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Cry and Laughter
-category: about me/spiritual/observations -
I just experienced my emotions in their extreme bipolars, sorrowful depression and carefree cheerfulness in 48 hours. This actually happened on Sunday and Monday, February 19 and 20, and I feel like I need to talk about it. It's an overdue project, so here goes. Oh, and if it sucked, please let me know, okay?
(P.S. : To Eveline, I promise to post a tribute to you right after this post. ^_^)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howling Cry
At times like these, she could not understand why she even tried. She thought she did her best to understand and not to bother people so much. So when it was implied that she did just that, you could not imagine how broken hearted she was. The last thing she wanted to become was a hypocrite.
Why did the person standing across the room frustated her so? Did he not understand the things she did for his sake? Worse still, he was frustated with her too. He was clueless on how to handle her. Glares across the room.
Wait. Think. Pehaps it was not too difficult to understand. Why would he not be frustated when she did not tell him anything? It actually made sense, it was her fault after all.
But her anger howled and clouded her mind into concluding that he was being impossibly difficult and ingrateful. Deep in her mind, she could not understand why she put up with her anger all of these years, her neverending fire of anger feeding the damnation of her soul.
Somewhere, even deeper in her heart, she could hear the priest's voice in the church that evening, 'May peace be with you all tonight.' She promised to preserve that peace tonight.
So in the midst of her anguish, sorrowful anger, and depression, she regretted the most not being able to keep the promise.
"I'm sorry, Lord..." her fiery gaze betrayed her regretful heart.
And the tears fell harder, then...
She slammed the door and left.
-Fin-
Laugh as Wide as the Necklace
Why did she buy the necklace again? Okay, it was green and reeaaaaallllllly cute. But did it matter when it got caught on things over and over again? At times like these, she just realized how long the necklace was. It actually reached a little bit past her navel. Was it too much?
Especially when customers at the store glanced at her when she accidentally got hooked on her swivel chair's arm, or when she bent down and the necklace yanked her back down when it got caught up around some handles. It was embarassing really, to have people stared at you at your most unfortunate, vulnerable moments.
Under normal circumstances, her pride would prevail. She would frown and cursed under her breath, and carried that displeasing face of hers around for another minute or so.
But the strangest thing happened that day. She actually laughed it off.
She just cheerfully smiled and chuckled while unhooking her necklace, joked about how the necklace would tear apart from too much yanking. She laughed a lot that day, it was almost as if she wanted to compare the perimeter of her mouth laughing to that of the necklace.
One problem remained. Why did she buy the necklace? Her curiosity unbearable, she went to the rest room to see herself on a mirror. She instantly remembered.
Oh hey, baby.
You looked fabulous.
-Fin-
I just experienced my emotions in their extreme bipolars, sorrowful depression and carefree cheerfulness in 48 hours. This actually happened on Sunday and Monday, February 19 and 20, and I feel like I need to talk about it. It's an overdue project, so here goes. Oh, and if it sucked, please let me know, okay?
(P.S. : To Eveline, I promise to post a tribute to you right after this post. ^_^)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howling Cry
At times like these, she could not understand why she even tried. She thought she did her best to understand and not to bother people so much. So when it was implied that she did just that, you could not imagine how broken hearted she was. The last thing she wanted to become was a hypocrite.
Why did the person standing across the room frustated her so? Did he not understand the things she did for his sake? Worse still, he was frustated with her too. He was clueless on how to handle her. Glares across the room.
Wait. Think. Pehaps it was not too difficult to understand. Why would he not be frustated when she did not tell him anything? It actually made sense, it was her fault after all.
But her anger howled and clouded her mind into concluding that he was being impossibly difficult and ingrateful. Deep in her mind, she could not understand why she put up with her anger all of these years, her neverending fire of anger feeding the damnation of her soul.
Somewhere, even deeper in her heart, she could hear the priest's voice in the church that evening, 'May peace be with you all tonight.' She promised to preserve that peace tonight.
So in the midst of her anguish, sorrowful anger, and depression, she regretted the most not being able to keep the promise.
"I'm sorry, Lord..." her fiery gaze betrayed her regretful heart.
And the tears fell harder, then...
She slammed the door and left.
-Fin-
Laugh as Wide as the Necklace
Why did she buy the necklace again? Okay, it was green and reeaaaaallllllly cute. But did it matter when it got caught on things over and over again? At times like these, she just realized how long the necklace was. It actually reached a little bit past her navel. Was it too much?
Especially when customers at the store glanced at her when she accidentally got hooked on her swivel chair's arm, or when she bent down and the necklace yanked her back down when it got caught up around some handles. It was embarassing really, to have people stared at you at your most unfortunate, vulnerable moments.
Under normal circumstances, her pride would prevail. She would frown and cursed under her breath, and carried that displeasing face of hers around for another minute or so.
But the strangest thing happened that day. She actually laughed it off.
She just cheerfully smiled and chuckled while unhooking her necklace, joked about how the necklace would tear apart from too much yanking. She laughed a lot that day, it was almost as if she wanted to compare the perimeter of her mouth laughing to that of the necklace.
One problem remained. Why did she buy the necklace? Her curiosity unbearable, she went to the rest room to see herself on a mirror. She instantly remembered.
Oh hey, baby.
You looked fabulous.
-Fin-
Monday, February 13, 2006
my two cents about Michelle Kwan
- category: miscellanous -
I really don't know much about the history of USA figure skating, and know even less about the sport itself. Nonetheless, I am a fan of the beautiful sport and always eager to see them whenever figure skating competition is shown on TV.
I've seen Michelle Kwan over the last five years, and I have to say that it is very regrettable that she withdrew from the Olympics. She might not win any medals, however her determination and passion were always her most attractive points, and I am mournful for the fact that I wouldn't see her.
Looking forward, however, this withdrawal can be just the right point for her to just focus herself on the road of recovery, and rearrange new set of priority for her future.
As for the USA team, Sasha Cohen has matured a lot for the past few years and she proved herself worthy during the USA Championship. I am hopeful that she could be comfortable and skate her best on the Olympics. God bless.
I really don't know much about the history of USA figure skating, and know even less about the sport itself. Nonetheless, I am a fan of the beautiful sport and always eager to see them whenever figure skating competition is shown on TV.
I've seen Michelle Kwan over the last five years, and I have to say that it is very regrettable that she withdrew from the Olympics. She might not win any medals, however her determination and passion were always her most attractive points, and I am mournful for the fact that I wouldn't see her.
Looking forward, however, this withdrawal can be just the right point for her to just focus herself on the road of recovery, and rearrange new set of priority for her future.
As for the USA team, Sasha Cohen has matured a lot for the past few years and she proved herself worthy during the USA Championship. I am hopeful that she could be comfortable and skate her best on the Olympics. God bless.
Valentine weekend
- category: observations -
I have mixed feelings about the Permias Valentine Cafe last Saturday. This is probably old news, but I feel obligated to say something about it.
First of all, the setting was neat: minimal, but effective. Pink and white baloons spelled "Happy Valentine" on the stage background, red and white paper strips hung from the ceiling, and a believable cafe-like atmosphere (thanks to the dimly lit halogen lamps). The food from Bandung Restaurant was excellent, however had I not had dinner two hours before, I would've starved since the portion was very limited.
The performances and games were actually fun, my biggest complain was only that we started very late, about 8:10 pm, way later than the scheduled 7:20 pm. There was also an empty table which could be distracting (at least for me as one of the performer).
That said, I was exhausted when I perform my song, a parody of KLA Project's "Menjemput Impian" on around 9 pm. My breathing was shallow, and my voice range wasn't really in my best condition. Although it overall went fine, thanks to my boyfriend Chris' cameo as "pujaan wanita se-Jepara" (which disturbingly, invited more enthusiastic claps from the male audience), the song never took off to its dramatic climax. Elka, the pianist was also quite nervous and made a few mistakes which she later described "I could have definitely done much better than that" ^_^
But having her as a pianist was a great joy, really. As my last public performance in Madison, I would be lying to say that I was a little dissapointed, but as the only performance of the night that received three sets of claps from the audience, I was adequately pleased.
However, my group performance of The Rembrants' "I'll Be There for You" and Cindy Lauper's "Time After Time" with Amanda, Eveline, Elka, and Alfin as guitarist was more dissapointing. I was in charge of providing the alto voice, but I think it was rough, often 1/4 note off-key, and tired. So yeah.....I prefer not to talk about it too much.
Still, the rest of the nights was entertaining, and the free photo sessions that followed was extremely fun. The only surprise for the night was when the audience unanimously chanted my name when one of the games to welcome new students require them to flirt with any one female audience to get a $1 packet of chocolate. However, apparently none of them followed the audience's humor and purposely avoided me. Honestly, I would actually love to see one of them try. It would be fun, and it will definitely show how bold they were. Plus, I actually planned to give anyone who dared to flirt with me anyway. Thus my impression was unfortunately, none of them had enough courage to heed the audience (I'd like to say none of them had balls, but it would be too harsh and assumingly closed-minded).
As a closing statement, I really had fun, and thanks everyone!!!
I have mixed feelings about the Permias Valentine Cafe last Saturday. This is probably old news, but I feel obligated to say something about it.
First of all, the setting was neat: minimal, but effective. Pink and white baloons spelled "Happy Valentine" on the stage background, red and white paper strips hung from the ceiling, and a believable cafe-like atmosphere (thanks to the dimly lit halogen lamps). The food from Bandung Restaurant was excellent, however had I not had dinner two hours before, I would've starved since the portion was very limited.
The performances and games were actually fun, my biggest complain was only that we started very late, about 8:10 pm, way later than the scheduled 7:20 pm. There was also an empty table which could be distracting (at least for me as one of the performer).
That said, I was exhausted when I perform my song, a parody of KLA Project's "Menjemput Impian" on around 9 pm. My breathing was shallow, and my voice range wasn't really in my best condition. Although it overall went fine, thanks to my boyfriend Chris' cameo as "pujaan wanita se-Jepara" (which disturbingly, invited more enthusiastic claps from the male audience), the song never took off to its dramatic climax. Elka, the pianist was also quite nervous and made a few mistakes which she later described "I could have definitely done much better than that" ^_^
But having her as a pianist was a great joy, really. As my last public performance in Madison, I would be lying to say that I was a little dissapointed, but as the only performance of the night that received three sets of claps from the audience, I was adequately pleased.
However, my group performance of The Rembrants' "I'll Be There for You" and Cindy Lauper's "Time After Time" with Amanda, Eveline, Elka, and Alfin as guitarist was more dissapointing. I was in charge of providing the alto voice, but I think it was rough, often 1/4 note off-key, and tired. So yeah.....I prefer not to talk about it too much.
Still, the rest of the nights was entertaining, and the free photo sessions that followed was extremely fun. The only surprise for the night was when the audience unanimously chanted my name when one of the games to welcome new students require them to flirt with any one female audience to get a $1 packet of chocolate. However, apparently none of them followed the audience's humor and purposely avoided me. Honestly, I would actually love to see one of them try. It would be fun, and it will definitely show how bold they were. Plus, I actually planned to give anyone who dared to flirt with me anyway. Thus my impression was unfortunately, none of them had enough courage to heed the audience (I'd like to say none of them had balls, but it would be too harsh and assumingly closed-minded).
As a closing statement, I really had fun, and thanks everyone!!!
Saturday, February 11, 2006
what's wrong with you?
- category: observations, reading -
This past couple weeks, I found it difficult to put down a newly acquired novel I got from Amazon, Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". It really surprised me, since I hardly ever read novel or even finish one. However, "Angels and Demons" engaged me in its brilliant, fast-paced story flow, mind puzzles, and lively characters. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it from the very beginning until the end. That said, I eagerly began to read the next adventure of Robert Langdon in "the Da Vinci Code" just a couple of days ago.
Since I usually commute to my work place by bus for about half and hour, I read most of the novels in the bus. It really helps to engage my mind and to avoid boredom. However, now that I spent more of my time reading in the bus, there is one thing that I notice more about the behavior of the person sitting next to me. They stare at me!!
Okay, so I read different books before I began reading "Angels and Demons" (some Computer Science-related books or personality books). Even then, I noticed some occasional stares directed to the pages of my book, or even glances trying to catch the book's title. I dismissed them, regarding them as "curious stares".
However, since I began reading "Angels and Demons", I began noticing them again in heighted level of intensity. 4 out of 5 people who sat next to me actually STARED at my book for more than 6 seconds, and then stared at me for additional 3 seconds (at least). How do I know that? Well, it's called peripheral vision.
The most noticable occassion was when a woman seated herself next to me and almost immediately began staring at my copy of "the Da Vinci Code". She stared at my book for about 8 seconds, and then continued to stare at ME for at least 10 seconds. I had an impression that she mocked me and thought of something like this, "Are you kidding me? You have not read THE novel?" She probably did not mean any harm, but she then proceed talking to her friend using a foreign languange I do not know. Her friend just smiled mildly.
Nevertheless, I felt mildly insulted. What's wrong with YOU, lady? So what if I wanted to read the book that captured everyone's interest (except me, apparently) a couple of years ago? Geez, and what's with that smug smile in your face? I honestly felt some fire flicking in my chest, I thought that was rude.
Still, nothing can stop me from reading during my bus ride. I just hope I don't need to have a prescription to my still normal eyes in the near future.
This past couple weeks, I found it difficult to put down a newly acquired novel I got from Amazon, Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons". It really surprised me, since I hardly ever read novel or even finish one. However, "Angels and Demons" engaged me in its brilliant, fast-paced story flow, mind puzzles, and lively characters. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it from the very beginning until the end. That said, I eagerly began to read the next adventure of Robert Langdon in "the Da Vinci Code" just a couple of days ago.
Since I usually commute to my work place by bus for about half and hour, I read most of the novels in the bus. It really helps to engage my mind and to avoid boredom. However, now that I spent more of my time reading in the bus, there is one thing that I notice more about the behavior of the person sitting next to me. They stare at me!!
Okay, so I read different books before I began reading "Angels and Demons" (some Computer Science-related books or personality books). Even then, I noticed some occasional stares directed to the pages of my book, or even glances trying to catch the book's title. I dismissed them, regarding them as "curious stares".
However, since I began reading "Angels and Demons", I began noticing them again in heighted level of intensity. 4 out of 5 people who sat next to me actually STARED at my book for more than 6 seconds, and then stared at me for additional 3 seconds (at least). How do I know that? Well, it's called peripheral vision.
The most noticable occassion was when a woman seated herself next to me and almost immediately began staring at my copy of "the Da Vinci Code". She stared at my book for about 8 seconds, and then continued to stare at ME for at least 10 seconds. I had an impression that she mocked me and thought of something like this, "Are you kidding me? You have not read THE novel?" She probably did not mean any harm, but she then proceed talking to her friend using a foreign languange I do not know. Her friend just smiled mildly.
Nevertheless, I felt mildly insulted. What's wrong with YOU, lady? So what if I wanted to read the book that captured everyone's interest (except me, apparently) a couple of years ago? Geez, and what's with that smug smile in your face? I honestly felt some fire flicking in my chest, I thought that was rude.
Still, nothing can stop me from reading during my bus ride. I just hope I don't need to have a prescription to my still normal eyes in the near future.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
history of writing
- category: about me (see my profile for complete list) -
Oh no, I didn't make entries for a while! Time to make it up, here's something about myself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She started writing during junior high school. She read some of her friend’s original fictions, and she thought she would try to do it herself.
At the height of her passion for writing, she started to write a fan fiction of “Shurato”, an anime in which she predictably fell in love with the antagonist. It has a bit of “Saint Seiya” mixed in it and has a little bit of this and that, she said.
Sadly enough however, she never finished her fan fiction, although she memorized it all in her head until now. The story continued like “Dragon Ball”, as she told the continuing legacies about cousins, grandsons and granddaughters of the main characters.
Tired of writing“full-blown” stories, she started writing shorter stories. They were similar to detailed summaries, and she liked doing it. She finished at least four stories, but many more left untold inside of her head.
High school came and things got busier. She never stopped making stories in her head, but she stopped writing altogether.
Until college years came. She was forced to write journals and papers of her English and dance classes. Some of the teachers liked her writing style, and they were reluctant to tell her to change her way of writing. They said it was different, and they told her to stay that way. One of them even claimed that he could distinguish her paper from a pile of students’ papers.
But she has yet to revive her passion of story-writing. She still has them inside her head, though. Maybe someday, only God knows….she will start writing again.
Fin
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh no, I didn't make entries for a while! Time to make it up, here's something about myself.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She started writing during junior high school. She read some of her friend’s original fictions, and she thought she would try to do it herself.
At the height of her passion for writing, she started to write a fan fiction of “Shurato”, an anime in which she predictably fell in love with the antagonist. It has a bit of “Saint Seiya” mixed in it and has a little bit of this and that, she said.
Sadly enough however, she never finished her fan fiction, although she memorized it all in her head until now. The story continued like “Dragon Ball”, as she told the continuing legacies about cousins, grandsons and granddaughters of the main characters.
Tired of writing“full-blown” stories, she started writing shorter stories. They were similar to detailed summaries, and she liked doing it. She finished at least four stories, but many more left untold inside of her head.
High school came and things got busier. She never stopped making stories in her head, but she stopped writing altogether.
Until college years came. She was forced to write journals and papers of her English and dance classes. Some of the teachers liked her writing style, and they were reluctant to tell her to change her way of writing. They said it was different, and they told her to stay that way. One of them even claimed that he could distinguish her paper from a pile of students’ papers.
But she has yet to revive her passion of story-writing. She still has them inside her head, though. Maybe someday, only God knows….she will start writing again.
Fin
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thursday, February 02, 2006
a man's unique necklace
-category: fashion find- (see my profile for complete list)
When I was working yesterday, I met a guy who wore a unique necklace, an approximately 1'x2' rectangular metal "pendant" attached on a thin dark brown rope . I wasn't sure what it was that caught my attention, so I t0ld him he had a cool necklace. His face instantly beamed, and he happily told me that the "pendant" he tied around his neck with was actually a bottle opener.
Huh? I said. And he flipped his "pendant", and I saw the little hook typical for bottle opener!
Wow, that's one very useful necklace (and I think chicks can dig it, too!).
Anyway, I thought the necklace idea was really clever, and I found a fresh meaning to the word "practical".
When I was working yesterday, I met a guy who wore a unique necklace, an approximately 1'x2' rectangular metal "pendant" attached on a thin dark brown rope . I wasn't sure what it was that caught my attention, so I t0ld him he had a cool necklace. His face instantly beamed, and he happily told me that the "pendant" he tied around his neck with was actually a bottle opener.
Huh? I said. And he flipped his "pendant", and I saw the little hook typical for bottle opener!
Wow, that's one very useful necklace (and I think chicks can dig it, too!).
Anyway, I thought the necklace idea was really clever, and I found a fresh meaning to the word "practical".
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
under construction and resolution
-category: observations- (see my profile for complete list)
I created this blog since January 13, but have done virtually nothing in it..^_^
And to be honest, I actually began to doubt my sincerity of my commitment to create this blog. Was it just an influence of worldwide hype? Was it my boyfriend's endless persuassions to be productive everyday? Or was I just plain lazy?
As I think about it, I am sure that 60% of the answer is that I am lazy. The other 40% lies on my stubbornness. All this time, I resist having a blog fiercely since I don't want people reading stuff online about me. It's like a public diary, which is just nonsense. A diary is supposed to be private, a thing such as public diary is just a direct violation to people's privacy.
However, I gradually realize that my stubbornness, while can prove useful sometimes, is serving myself a supreme idiocy. Many people want to be heard, and sometimes people cannot communicate as effectively as they think. There are also many things that are better left unsaid but interesting to discuss through writing. As for me, in addition to having a mind that constantly observing, my hyeractive imagination also keeps running, creating stories on its own world. I am very thankful that God gives me good memory, so I can actually memorize all of them. Only one thing doesn't seem right; how do I share those stories? Stories mean nothing without audience, without listeners, without readers, and most importantly, without appreciation of any kind.
There's where blog comes in! It's actually brilliant! Blogging is relevant for me since I want to have a media to share my stories and perspectives. I am ashamed of myself of not starting this a lot sooner. I'm a "late bloomer" in this field, but hey, better late than never.
Plus, my boyfriend gave me this article "Early Retirement" yesterday. While the article, as the title suggests, deals mostly with what steps to take to retire early, it actually states that having a web diary actually improves your time management skill, implies that it is a necessary step to gain more happiness in life. Here is the link to the article:
http://philip.greenspun.com/materialism/early-retirement/
So, having a clear purpose of having a blog, I hope I can grow my commitment to update regularly. As for construction, I am going to update the header image for Naruhodo-Ne. While it's actually cute, I am not all too pleased with it. Please pray for my ongoing commitment, people!
I created this blog since January 13, but have done virtually nothing in it..^_^
And to be honest, I actually began to doubt my sincerity of my commitment to create this blog. Was it just an influence of worldwide hype? Was it my boyfriend's endless persuassions to be productive everyday? Or was I just plain lazy?
As I think about it, I am sure that 60% of the answer is that I am lazy. The other 40% lies on my stubbornness. All this time, I resist having a blog fiercely since I don't want people reading stuff online about me. It's like a public diary, which is just nonsense. A diary is supposed to be private, a thing such as public diary is just a direct violation to people's privacy.
However, I gradually realize that my stubbornness, while can prove useful sometimes, is serving myself a supreme idiocy. Many people want to be heard, and sometimes people cannot communicate as effectively as they think. There are also many things that are better left unsaid but interesting to discuss through writing. As for me, in addition to having a mind that constantly observing, my hyeractive imagination also keeps running, creating stories on its own world. I am very thankful that God gives me good memory, so I can actually memorize all of them. Only one thing doesn't seem right; how do I share those stories? Stories mean nothing without audience, without listeners, without readers, and most importantly, without appreciation of any kind.
There's where blog comes in! It's actually brilliant! Blogging is relevant for me since I want to have a media to share my stories and perspectives. I am ashamed of myself of not starting this a lot sooner. I'm a "late bloomer" in this field, but hey, better late than never.
Plus, my boyfriend gave me this article "Early Retirement" yesterday. While the article, as the title suggests, deals mostly with what steps to take to retire early, it actually states that having a web diary actually improves your time management skill, implies that it is a necessary step to gain more happiness in life. Here is the link to the article:
http://philip.greenspun.com/materialism/early-retirement/
So, having a clear purpose of having a blog, I hope I can grow my commitment to update regularly. As for construction, I am going to update the header image for Naruhodo-Ne. While it's actually cute, I am not all too pleased with it. Please pray for my ongoing commitment, people!
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