Now That 2009 is Ending...

...I realize how gloomy 2009 is for me. The first 2-3 months zoomed on by, but I got one memorable point: the  Indonesian Catholics Night on February where I got to organized the events and got to sing some songs during the night.

But then April came by too quickly and one day, I got a call from my mom, brother, and future mother-in-law that my father just passed away. It was probably the fastest week I've ever experienced; called my supervisor of the emergency trip, flew back, attended to the funeral processions and my mom, and then flew back to the US. One high point in April was my birthday and we got to celebrate with friends, did some music jams and all that.

May until August came ruthlessly, and one big Indonesian-culture related event was canceled for some unclear, puzzling reasons. Meanwhile, my home country got struck with earthquakes and other problems, including the H1N1 spread outs. On the other hand, Michael Jackson died on June and I was surprised to see how sorrowful I became.

September was my boyfriend's birthday and we celebrated privately. I cooked a three-course meal (or attempted to) for him. On the same month, I had to quit my job due to my employment status restrictions. My employers and colleagues were upset of losing me, but we all had to move on. Before going back to Indonesia for the second time this year (my mom insisted I visited for a longer period of time), we got to go to Yellowstone National Parks for a bit with some friends. It was amazing; I wished we were there longer.

Extended trip back home (3.5 weeks) was OK. Meeting with my friends were great, but expectations from my mom and her friends were overwhelming. I found myself growing depressed and increasingly misunderstood and not listened to. When somebody tried to direct your life to their liking, of course I got pissed off. Especially when it's regarding marriage and having kids.

October came and I had a new job. But the stress level I felt inside was killing me. And this had little to do with my job.
Yes, my job is fragile at best.
I practically see my savings decline at an alarming rate due to limited income.
I see people younger than me spending money with little problems.
I had an expectation to get married (and most probably have kids soon).
I got my mom calling in once in a while asking how much I make for an hour.
She also wants me to come home to Indonesia.
I got no heart telling her that my home is here.
I developed a new passion for fashion design and sewing (seriously, this time....I hope).
I had a hard time calming my boyfriend's stress level most of the time.

Now I see my sewing table and feel guilty.
I have to find a more stable job and income, and all I do now is tending to this new hobby.
It's something I enjoy doing, but I'm not sure where I'm headed with this.
"Sometimes you don't need to know how to do it, you just do it."
"Holiness happens when you try. It's not what you've accomplished, it's not where you'll be."

Yes, we had a great weekend retreat together back in November.
Yes, we had a great Christmas mass choir. We practiced hard and it paid off.
But I still see this table with sewing kits, my head piece creations, and fabrics.
And I do feel guilty.
For I see what a lazy bitch I've become.

Merry Christmas.

It's Complicated

I just recently returned to my home country, Indonesia for a few weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't get to truly enjoy my "vacation" there. Getting together with best friends was great, however the whole thing about parents wanting me (and my boyfriend) to get married soon was really uncomfortable.

During the first 48 hours of my landing, it was made very CLEAR to me that I am expected to get married soon, get back to settle down in Indonesia, accompany my mom, and pretty much being obedient to her wishes. Now, for some of you, this may seem to be very sensible wishes. But for me, I can't help but being rebellious to these with every fiber of my being.

For one that got to "mature" overseas, I gain perspectives and open-mindedness that are probably hard to understand for people who chose to stay in my home country. The lifestyles are very different and some of our elders do see what-they-deem-as westernized behaviors (talking back to your parents, speaking out your own mind, having future dreams that are not compatible to those your parents plan for you, etc) as disgraceful. And yes, my family is conservative.

So I guess some of you (who are still reading at this point) may relate with me when I felt misunderstood and sad. My mom implied that she regretted sending me to the US for college studies since her daughter is now "changed" by the negative influences when I'm abroad. In addition, since I am an only daughter, it's seen as unbelievable (in a bad way) that I don't want to come back home for good to take care of my mother, especially after my father recently died.

To be honest with you, I really have no clue as to what "negative influences" my mom said. I never get drunk, I didn't do drugs, my friends are great, and I'm pursuing my dream to open a photo studio/boutique hybrid someday. I may not be where I want to be right now (the economy sucks, my job is so-so, and I'm kinda broke), but I don't give up.

Why do people want to pressure us to do something we clearly don't want to do? And I'm not talking about parents pushing their kids to study in order to do well in school. I'm talking about something along the line of parents pushing their kid to be a doctor when all he wants to do is to be an art director. Pushing their daughter to be an engineer when she wants to be a lawyer. I'm talking about different life calling. You know when you're called to be something. The road is going to be really hard, but we hope it's all going to be worth it. Even if in the end it's not worth it, there is still a sense of satisfaction of doing what our heart lead us to do regardless of what the end result is. Then we can start again from the beginning.

Now maybe the whole previous paragraph is part of the "negative influences" my mom talked about. However, I am sincerely grateful that I got to study overseas and open my eyes to my own calling. I'm almost sure right now that had I stayed in Indonesia for my whole life, I'm just going to be working mindlessly in a big company. I may earn much more than I do now, but I'm not going to enjoy my life.  And don't get me wrong. It's alright if you choose to stay dedicated to your own home country. I'm just saying that for me, with the kind of personality, imagination, and strong will, I will just be another stressed out persona in the busy streets of Jakarta. Again, that's just me.

So by now (if you're still reading), you probably figure out that I don't want to go back home. I want to stay here in the US and chase my dreams. Still, I have to respect (or at least listen actively) to what my parents (dad included) have to say. They love me, so they are very protective and want the best for their kids. Like some other parents, they have difficulties understanding that their kids have something else in mind, that their dreams are not the same as those of their parents. Like some other parents, they always view their kids as "once a kid, always a kid." As a result, they always feel the need to lead the way and tell their children what to do.

Now there's a lot more I can add to the previous paragraph, but I want to stop for now. You should get the point by now. And these unreal expectations only cause sadness and unnecessary stress to the kids. The kids (now adults) feel very much misunderstood and most importantly, do not feel supported by their parents. And that is truly ironic, since parents are there to support their kids and let them be happy.

Two Years Later: Reflection on EuroTrip 2007

I can’t believe it’s almost been two years since my adventure in Paris, Italy, and West Germany. I didn’t say anything for a while since I really had no idea what to say. Not because I don’t know what to write, but more like I don’t know where to begin to reflect on things I experienced while I was there. But now, I'll try to do it....as briefly as I possibly can.

You see, recently I read all of the travel journals I posted here. And how I am so amused on my own writings. It’s been so unreal, so magical, and so unexpected, the whole experience caught me off-guard most of the time. From the time I arrived in CDG airport until I left (and the whole airline strike ordeal I’m still too exhausted to share in detail), it’s been such a revelation to another side of the world that was unknown to me. Even now, my knowledge about it is still very humble. But I’m forever grateful to have experienced all that in this lifetime. Oh, how I have became bigger during that time.

Looking back on things, the whole EuroTrip 2007 was one of the defining moments in my life. I became stronger, my mind became richer, my heart became bigger. It’s not about the studies (there’s hardly any, to be honest with you) and probably it’s not about all the awesome places I got to visit with my new friends. It’s more about people I got to meet, the harsher experiences I got to live, the personal growth I got to have, and the spiritual revelation that God is always with me no matter what.

Even now, I still sometimes dream of that segment of life. Thinking I had to make my 8-minute trip to Carrefour or Auchan to buy some groceries. That 8:20 am Line-A train I got to catch to Cergy (where ESSEC, my school is). The amazing Le Louvre and beautiful La Tour Eiffel, both I just barely grazed at the surface. I remember all the 14 Metro lines I got to ride (at least once each), my favorite vintage clothing stores, the gorgeous countryside trips with our teachers and fellow exchange students, my trip to Germany to visit my marching band senior, and so much more.

Of course, I also remember the train thievery during my train ride from Rome to Firenze (Florence), my struggles of getting an apartment, or my frustration with the bus/train/taxi/airline strikes. But it’s OK. It’s moments like those when you realize your weaknesses. But they also remind you of your strength. I was careless; I took things too lightly and perhaps took them for granted at times. However, I was also surprised at how much faith I actually have in God, how mostly calm I was in facing all those situations, and how vulnerable life actually is.

I know I took time too leisurely at times. Time is too precious to be taken lightly. You only live once, and you have to make the fullest of this life you are living. It may sound cliché, but it’s cliché things like this that we keep forgetting even though it’s actually true. It’s easy to lay back and follow the river flow when we want to escape from reality. But please…..you, yes you, whoever’s reading this right now, I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest. Chase your dreams and make them happen. Live your life so you may not have any regrets. And may you be bigger than you are now.