...I realize how gloomy 2009 is for me. The first 2-3 months zoomed on by, but I got one memorable point: the Indonesian Catholics Night on February where I got to organized the events and got to sing some songs during the night.
But then April came by too quickly and one day, I got a call from my mom, brother, and future mother-in-law that my father just passed away. It was probably the fastest week I've ever experienced; called my supervisor of the emergency trip, flew back, attended to the funeral processions and my mom, and then flew back to the US. One high point in April was my birthday and we got to celebrate with friends, did some music jams and all that.
May until August came ruthlessly, and one big Indonesian-culture related event was canceled for some unclear, puzzling reasons. Meanwhile, my home country got struck with earthquakes and other problems, including the H1N1 spread outs. On the other hand, Michael Jackson died on June and I was surprised to see how sorrowful I became.
September was my boyfriend's birthday and we celebrated privately. I cooked a three-course meal (or attempted to) for him. On the same month, I had to quit my job due to my employment status restrictions. My employers and colleagues were upset of losing me, but we all had to move on. Before going back to Indonesia for the second time this year (my mom insisted I visited for a longer period of time), we got to go to Yellowstone National Parks for a bit with some friends. It was amazing; I wished we were there longer.
Extended trip back home (3.5 weeks) was OK. Meeting with my friends were great, but expectations from my mom and her friends were overwhelming. I found myself growing depressed and increasingly misunderstood and not listened to. When somebody tried to direct your life to their liking, of course I got pissed off. Especially when it's regarding marriage and having kids.
October came and I had a new job. But the stress level I felt inside was killing me. And this had little to do with my job.
Yes, my job is fragile at best.
I practically see my savings decline at an alarming rate due to limited income.
I see people younger than me spending money with little problems.
I had an expectation to get married (and most probably have kids soon).
I got my mom calling in once in a while asking how much I make for an hour.
She also wants me to come home to Indonesia.
I got no heart telling her that my home is here.
I developed a new passion for fashion design and sewing (seriously, this time....I hope).
I had a hard time calming my boyfriend's stress level most of the time.
Now I see my sewing table and feel guilty.
I have to find a more stable job and income, and all I do now is tending to this new hobby.
It's something I enjoy doing, but I'm not sure where I'm headed with this.
"Sometimes you don't need to know how to do it, you just do it."
"Holiness happens when you try. It's not what you've accomplished, it's not where you'll be."
Yes, we had a great weekend retreat together back in November.
Yes, we had a great Christmas mass choir. We practiced hard and it paid off.
But I still see this table with sewing kits, my head piece creations, and fabrics.
And I do feel guilty.
For I see what a lazy bitch I've become.
Merry Christmas.
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